This morning we’re going on in our series looking at relationships.  Our purpose is to see what God says about our relationships - how to move through them - survive them - grow through them - even triumph in them - all to the glory of God and our well being.  Not long ago someone emailed something to me that I’d like to share with you.  I will not say who.  But it seems appropriate given our topic this morning - relating to the spouse.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.  Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.  I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.  Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).  Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.  These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.  You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.  We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Please turn with me to Ephesians 5 - starting at verse 22.  Which is a rather infamous passage concerning relating to our spouses.

Now, if you’re not married what we’re looking at here is also important for you as well.  I’d like to suggest that you might know someone who is married - or you might be married someday.  What Paul writes focuses on why marriages work and why they don’t work.  So this information is either going to be helpful to you personally or to someone God may stick in your path that needs to know what Paul writes.

Ephesians 5:22.  We’ll go through these verses.  Make some observations .  Then come to application at the end.

5:22:  Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  We could stop there.  But we won’t.  Going on - For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.  But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

This is where we need to pause.  A lot of good people have gotten into a whole lot of trouble by missing Paul’s point here. 

Years ago I had a dog name Lady and a cat named Deni.  Pretty regularly I would go for walks in the woods and Lady - the dog would come along with me.  One day the cat - Deni followed us into the woods.  It was kind of strange.  People usually don’t take their cats for walks.  But there we were - myself - Lady - the dog - and Deni - the cat.

At one point on the path there was a guy fixing his motorcycle.  I wasn’t really sure what Lady would do - or who this guy was.  So I told Lady to sit and stay.  To my amazement she sat - and the cat sat down next to her.

I walked past the guy with the motorcycle.  Stopped about 10 feet beyond where he was and told Lady to come.  She got up - trotted past the motorcycle guy - over to me and sat down.  The cat was still sitting there.

Cats do pretty much what cats want to do - right?  So a cat that looking like it’d gone to obedience school was pretty unusual.  I could see that this guy was getting interested to see what would happen.  I was curious to see what was going to happen.

So I said with authority, “Deni come!”  The cat gets up - walks passed the motorcycle guy - and sits down right next to the dog.  The guy with the motorcycle was impressed.  I was impressed.  Rather taking a chance on blowing the impression we’d made I told Lady and Deni “Come!” and started walking like this sort of thing happened everyday.  And they got up and followed me.

When someone reads these verses in Ephesians - it really ruffles feathers.  I mean you can just feel people bracing for another “Wives submit to your husbands” type of sermon.  For some there’s this idea of marriage where the husband says come - and the wife obediently just trots along at his beckon call.

But that’s really not how the Apostle Paul is describing marriage.

“Be subject” is the Greek verb “upotassetai.”  By definition it’s a military term describing order of rank.  In other words, a private obediently subjects himself to the authority of a corporal who subjects himself to a sergeant and so on all the way up to the commander in chief.

Be careful.  Paul is not saying that the husband is the commander in chief and the wife is the private - who blindly obeys every whim and order that’s barked out.  What Paul is describing is an order of authority under God - the ultimate commander in chief.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11:3:  “I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of the woman, and God is the head of Christ.”

Grab onto that phrase:  “God is the head of Christ.”  If we can get a handle on that headship - God the head of Christ - it’ll help us understand more of what it means for the wife to be subject to her husband - the headship of the husband. 

Looking through how Scripture describes the relationship of God the Son with God the Father - what’s meant by God being the head of Christ - there are at least four elements of that headship.

First is identity of nature.  “I and the Father are one.”  (John 10:30)  Both are God.  Husband and wife are both created in the image of God.

Second is cooperation.  Jesus said, “My Father is working...and I Myself am working.” (John 5:17)  Husbands and wives work together - cooperate.  They are partners in parenting and in ruling over the earth.

Third, the honoring of the person.  Jesus said, “I honor My Father” and, “My Father glorifies Me.” (John 8:49,54)  Husbands and wives honor and respect and lift each other up.

Fourth, Jesus said, “The Father is greater than I.”  (John 14:28)  With common identity, cooperation, and honoring - there is also a difference of authority.  Jesus said, “I always do the things that are pleasing to Him.” (John 8:29).  Subjection to authority - rank - the one who is given by God the final say - the leadership in the marriage.  That’s headship.

Paul writes that the wife - also God’s image - in cooperation - with mutual honor - the wife is to voluntarily subject herself to her husband in this way in everything.  Of course - always excluded from that is anything that’s disobedient to God.  But in all other areas the wife is to subject herself to her husband.

Do you ever feel like you’re on a tightrope?  Say the wrong thing - movement in any direction spells disaster.  This is tough stuff.

I heard a story about a couple that went to a marriage seminar where the teaching was really bad.  The kind of teaching where wives be subject to your husband meant wives become doormats.  The husband just drank all that in while his wife sat their fuming.

When they got home the husband went in the house trailed by his wife.  He pompously slammed the door shut.  While his wife just glared at him.  He declared, “I think that was great.  That’s the way its going to be around here from now on.  You got it?”

After that he didn’t see her for two weeks.  After two weeks, he could start to see her just a little bit out of one eye.

Let’s be careful here.  For those husbands who’ve been nudging their wives - let me remind you that Paul spends 3 verses talking to wives and the next 7 focused on husbands.  

Going on - verse 25:  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

How did Jesus love the Church?  He gave - what?  Himself up for her.  That’s how husbands are to love their wives.  That’s what love is.  Its not giving in.  But giving up.

Jesus said, “No one is taking my life from Me.  I’m laying it down by choice.  I have authority to lay it down and I have authority to take it up again.”  (John 10:18)

The word “to give up” is “paradidomi” - being handed over to someone else - especially in some act of treachery.  Judas kisses Him and Jesus hands Himself over to be arrested.

Jesus gave up everything for the Church.  He set aside all of His Godly attributes - was born in the humility of a manger - lived and experienced life like we do.  Jesus - in the Garden of Gethsemane - praying with blood sweating from His pores - looking ahead to His death on our behalf.  Jesus, who loved the Church so much that He sacrificially gave up His life for us - the mockery - the beatings - the crown of thorns - the nails - the crucifixion - death.

Husbands - that’s our example.  To sacrificially love our wives as Christ loved the Church.  Husbands are to voluntarily sacrifice themselves - give themselves up - for their wives.  Sacrificial headship.

Going on to verse 26.  When Jesus gave Himself up for the Church it was deliberate and purposeful.  There are three purposes here that Paul focuses on to help husbands get a handle on what means for us to give ourselves up for our wives.

Verse 26:  So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

Purpose number one - why did Jesus give Himself up for the Church?  First:  To sanctify her.  Say that with me, “To sanctify her.”

To sanctify is to make holy - set apart - purified - consecrated.  It has the idea of putting something to the use for which it was intended by God.  Jesus went to the cross so that we could be saved - put into a right relationship with God - to live sanctified lives - lives lived for the purposes for which God has created us as men and women to live life.

Husbands - what has God created your wife for?  She’s a unique creation of God.  For what purpose?  How has God used your wife?  What are her spiritual gifts?  How does she see God using her?  If you don’t know you need to find out.  Husbands are to give themselves up for their wives so that their wives may fulfill the purposes for which God has created them.

Then notice how Jesus sanctifies the Church - back to verse 26 - “having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.”  

Reading the Greek this has the idea of taking a bath with water and words.  First - it signifies baptism - declaring outwardly that inwardly we’ve trusted Jesus as our Savior so that we’re clean before God.  Emphasis - Paul is writing about the importance of wives who know Jesus personally.

Second - it means that we’re cleansed by words - what Jesus spoke to His Church - His teaching - His instruction - helping His disciples and us to understand God’s truth and how to live as God’s people.

One reason God created Eve was because He knew that one day Adam would need someone to hand him the remote.  A husband is to speak to his wife.  That’s a tough one isn’t it?  Disengage from the remote.  For a lot of husbands that takes sacrificial giving up.

It means that as men we need to first be spoken to - to go deep in our relationship with God - studying His word - praying - opening ourselves up to God.  How are we going to encourage our wives in their relationship with God if we’re not going there ourselves?

Then we need to learn to listen to our wives.  To understand their needs.  And with prayer to share with our wives from what we’re learning - to open up and discuss with our wives - what will encourage them to grow and become more of who God has created them to be - sanctified - for His purposes.  That’s headship with purpose.

Verse 27 - second purpose:  That He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot of wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless - literally that she would be worthy of veneration - honor - being free of any moral fault.  Purpose number two:  To present her.  Say that with me.  “To present her.”

There is nothing more glorious than a bride on her wedding day - that moment when the doors open at the back of the sanctuary - and the bride stands there - having spent hours - days - months - in preparation for that one moment - stands there in white - framed by the door - radiant - presented for marriage.  Its her moment.  Its her day.  She is honored.

That’s our purpose as husbands.  To honor our wives - to lift her up - before the family - the kids - even in our own thinking.  To give up ourselves sacrificially so that our wives will be honored.  Opening doors.  Walking on the street-side of the sidewalk.  Doing the dishes - the laundry - the vacuuming.  Watching the kids.  Remembering birthdays and anniversaries.  Helping the kids to remember and honor their mother on special occasions.  Avoiding sarcasm and little put downs and degrading pet names and unwarranted criticism.  Avoiding anything that would disgrace or dishonor our wives.

Wives loved that way glow.  Husbands - see to it that your wives are glorious.  That’s headship with purpose.

Verse 28 - third purpose:  So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. 

Third purpose:  To be one.

The word “ought” translates the Greek word “opheilo” which has the idea of duty - obligation.  To love our wives is a compulsion.  Its as integral to our being as loving ourselves.

To nourish is to do the things necessary to keep our bodies going - food - sleep - even exercise.  To cherish means to keep warm - put on clothing - a warm coat on a cold day.  Food and clothing - the basics.

We do that for ourselves.  At the very least because we have this compulsion inside to stay alive.  But - honestly - for most of us it goes way beyond that.  We’re pretty self-loving.  We provide a whole lot of things for ourselves - creature comforts and foods that go way beyond mere self-preservation. 

Jesus goes beyond the basics.  He loves us - continually.  He’s devoted to us - provides for us - cares for us - listens to us - intercedes for us - protects us - and on and on.  Sacrificially for us.  He loves us - continually.  Because we’re a part of Him - Christ’s Body - the Church. 

Paul - in verse 31 illustrates the intensity of that oneness:  For this reason - for what reason?  oneness - For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

Paul is quoting Genesis 2:24.  Remember the context?  God creates Eve from Adam’s rib.  Already they’re a part of each other.  God brings Eve to Adam.  He looks at her and says - Genesis 2:23:  “This now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of Man.”  We correspond to each other.  We’re made for each other.  For this reason - what reason? - oneness - a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.  Genesis 2:25 - next verse - And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

There’s nothing between them - nothing held back - nothing to hide - no fear - just innocence and openness and trust - spiritually - emotionally - mentally - physically - naked without shame.  That’s oneness.

A husband and a wife are not just roommates - two people who happen to be living in the same building and raising kids together and occasionally having sex.  This truth of one flesh is a whole lot deeper than that.  It means intimacy - oneness - on the deepest levels.  Husbands - we are to sacrifice ourselves daily in such a way so that oneness which is integral - not only to ourselves - but to our spouse - and to our marriage - so that we nurture and provide for that oneness.  That’s headship with purpose. 

Relating to the spouse.  Wives submit to your husbands.  Husbands sacrifice yourself for your wives.  We need to be honest that often times husbands are not subjectable and wives are not sacrificeable.  Its easy in marriage to feel like that little cupid - face down dead with an arrow in our backs.  Remember that picture?

I’d like to emphasize two points of application - related to what Paul writes here - two points that are helpful for us to think through for ourselves.  The first is this:  The need to put the blame where the blame belongs.  Try that with me, “Put the blame where the blame belongs.”  Who really is at fault when we’re not subjectable or sacrificable?

Paul - in verse 31 takes us back to Genesis - the example of oneness.  Right after all that oneness is the fall - what happens after Eve is presented to Adam and they’re standing there naked.

Remember how this plays out?  The conversation in the Garden with the snake.  Eve eats the fruit - hands it to Adam who’s standing right there - failing in his role as head of the marriage - standing there watching Eve disobey God.  Then he takes the fruit and eats it himself.  Suddenly all that oneness goes out the window and they’re wearing fig leaves.

Then there’s the whole blaming thing.  God comes to visit the garden.  Adam and Eve are hiding in the trees.  Adam blames Eve for giving him the fruit and God for giving him that woman.  Eve blames the snake.  “The snake deceived me.”

The oneness is gone.  Replaced with blame - lies - innuendos -  self-preservation - shame.  There’s no subjection or sacrifice.  Sin has entered the relationship.

Genesis 3:16 - God speaking to the woman - part of the curse God places on the earth right after the fall - God’s curse upon humanity - because of sin - God says to Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.”

That one statement - focused on a relationship severely damaged by sin - is the core of what we struggle with as husbands and wives.

At the entrance to heaven there are two lines.  One line has a sign that says “Husbands ruled by their wives”  The other line has a sign that says, “Husbands who ruled over their wives.”  In the first line thousands of men were lined up.  In second line - the “Husbands who ruled over their wives” line - there was one man.  Saint Peter looking at this one man asked, “What are you doing here?”  The man answered, “I don’t know.  my wife told me to stand here.”

How many of you have heard that?  We laugh because its familiar to where sin has taken us in our relationships between men and women.  This constant struggle over our roles in marriage.

Men - who Paul calls upon to take sacrificial headship - are damaged by sin - weakened by the effects of sin - tarnished by living in a sinful world - men struggle to rise to the kind of sacrificial love that women long for - would willingly subject themselves to.  Instead men respond as brutes - self-protective - feigning self-sufficiency - seeking to rule over their wives by clinging to a brand of maleness that that’s been defined by the world - not God.   

Women - damaged - weakened - tarnished by sin - struggle to rise the kind of husband honoring subjection that men crave - would actually begin to open themselves up to.  Instead - women have become self-protective - overcompensating - desiring to wrest leadership from their irresponsive husbands - clinging to a brand of femininity that’s been defined by the world - not God.

If we look within our selves what we see is inadequacy and failure and struggles with our own selves that keep us back from what Paul is writing about.  Let’s be honest none of us is the perfect spouse.  The root cause of what we struggle with is sin - sin which clings to us and keeps us back from being the spouse God has created us to be.

Which brings us to the second point of application.  Since all of the oneness - the leaving and cleaving and one flesh - if all that getting wiped out by sin is at the core of what we struggle with in marriage - then dealing with that sin is at the core of what strengthens marriage.  Here’s the point:  Oneness in marriage is directly proportional to a couple’s individual and mutual surrender to God.  That’s a mouthful.  So, you’ll find it written on the Sermon Notes.

There was a bride - who at the wedding rehearsal - confessed to the pastor that she was very nervous about forgetting the vows she was to recite.  The pastor told her to relax and think about the familiar situation that she’d be in.  He told to think about walking down the aisle of the church and coming to the altar where she’d be with the groom and her friends.  And then to think about the familiar hymns they’d be singing.  The pastor told her to go home and think about those three things and repeat them to herself 100 times.

When the bride returned on her wedding day she kept repeating, “Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn.”  And the pastor thought to himself, “That’s what you think.”

Marriage isn’t about getting our spouse to conform to our needs or grousing when they fall short.  Marriage is about each of us conforming to the image of Christ.  Marriage works when sinners - honest before God and each other about their sins and their struggles - allow God to deal with the core issues of their lives - allow God to use them to help each other to become more of who God has created them to be.

Paul focuses on Jesus - because the one to learn subjection from is Him.  The one to learn sacrificial love from is Him.  The more we learn what it means to be loved by Him the more we will be able to love and give ourselves to our spouses. 

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